My struggle.

My struggle feels omnipresent and eternal. There are days where just getting up and getting through yet another day, never mind churn out a blog post that doesn't smack hideously of victimitis, is a palpable battle. So please accept my apologies in advance for this post - but you did ask!  (Day 20: SomL Blog every day in May Challenge - Get Real. Share something you're struggling with right now)

I feel ridiculous for struggling with the art of living - what right do I have to struggle - I have parents, siblings, a cute baby neice, a good education, somewhere to live, a pretty stable job and food to eat? But struggle I do - fivefold:

1. I can't bear fighting to lose the weight again when the reality is I will always overeat until I sort the underlining problem. Getting a handle on the underlying problem feels like trying to grasp a whisp of smoke.
2. I will never feel free until I figure out this internal churn out and just set myself 'free' from everything that is holding me back
3. I will always be on my own until I can figure how to get a handle on the fear, embarrassment, introvertness that seems to paralysis my otherwise normal functioning brain when I find myself in social situations. The older I get the more my shortcomings are harder to hide.  Being eternally single in your twenties is part of the drill. Being eternally single in your thirties......... 
4. I will always be directionless, clueless and lost until I can uncover a way to just be who I am - flaws and all and stop just absorbing my surroundings and what's required of me and reflecting this version of me back to the world. This person who shares my name but feels like a total fraud.
5. I will always feel a tad flat emotionally until I can learn to cope with the hard emotions just not the fun ones. Until I stop protecting myself so completely from pain and discomfort.

Much of Jenni's blog every day in May challenge has been a struggle. When Jenni asked to describe ourselves in 10 words or what makes me truly happy - I drew a complete blank - I couldn't even think of three words that described who I truly am, never mind jot down what my strengths are or what I truly enjoy. I can pass a job interview - I can tell people what they want to hear but somewhere, somehow I stopped being the person I actually am for the person society expects me to be, and worse I don't actually recognise what consitutes 'me' from my doppleganger anymore. That makes me feel so sad and hopeless.

Plus I never know where to start to fix all this:

• I tried losing the weight - and I lost 30lbs but in reality nothing changed - I was still awkward and lost and after 2 years literally working my ass off - I put all the weight back on in 3 months - and that's been me for the last 2 years. Totally stuck.
• I tried sorting out my career - I went part-time, I tried new part-time gigs. I volunteered. I completely changed industries, I took a sabbatical and did something totally different for a few months, I quit my job completely and unexpectedly. I've taken literally dozens of business courses and classes - I've explored creative avenues.  Things work-wise have improved - but the reality is that most days are still more an exercise in looking busy for the duration of my contracted hours rather than feeling energised or particularly enthused about what I do. Externally I'm professional, efficient, take initiative as required and get things done - but it feels like 5% of what I'm actually capable of and 95% not right for me but 100% my reality until my debts are under control.
• I spent 4 months surrounding myself with the most joyful and sparkly people I know just to see what I could learn from them even just via osmosis. This is where my love of reading other people's blogs comes from - I'm fascinated with how other people nagivate their lives.
• I'm finally getting a handle on my overspending but every single day is a necessary struggle. Going 18 days not spending is tough - completing the 18 months before I'm debt free feels like a life-sentence right now. But of all my struggles, this is the one where I see light at the end of the tunnel: December 2014. 

Currently, as hard as these struggles are - I'm thankfully, finally making some headway - more by mistake than design: Finally one of the courses I shouldn't have purchased but did in my quest to find some sort of lifeline - is turning out to be amazingly insightful. Bloody. But insightful.

It might be baby steps but I'm learning how to reconnect with who I actually am - even just as simply as what's my favourite colour. I am learning to tap into my intuition/unconscious brain/gut feeling/ inner child - whatever you call it. I'm being guided on a journey that has led me to some brilliantly insightful nuggets of genius.

In 20 minutes, the following unravelled so much of my struggle - why I overeat, why I overspend, why I don't allow myself to really let go and have fun, why I'm scared, why I ideolise and envy the people who are 'effortlessly sparky and radiant with joy - the individuals who take your breath away with their fabulousless'  - you know who I mean!! Why I am what I am.

I've watched this about 7 times already - I've laughed hysterically and cried and I know I still have so much to learn and understand:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Here's to courage - telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. xx

Waterslides and Dignity = Impossible!

Day 10 SomL Blog every day in May topic: Most embarrassing moment.  Yes. We're going there!

Smile. Sometimes there's nothing else for it!

When I was 18, post A-level exams - I was allowed to go on holiday for the first time just with friends - no adults! I don't think it dawned on us that we were being trusted to be 'the adults'!

Well my friends and I jetted off to Spain for a beach holiday - my first beach holiday ever! So grown up!! I remember laughing a whole heap that week - there was the lugging my friend's no wheels, seriously heavy leather suitcase for milesssssssss, there was the skirt ripping incident whilst walking along a motorway because we'd mistaken our bus stop. There was the midnight jaunt to the beach......

But it was also the scene of. the. most. I. wish. lightening. would. strike. me. dead. moment. (I have loads but this one still makes my blood curdle with shame and giggle simultaneously)

Picture the scene - me. at a Waterpark. in a bikini (not really bikini fit but not totally acknowledging it) and the biggest water slide you've ever seen.

You can probably guess where this is going.

In my defence I was a water slide virgin - that was my first and only time.

Let's just say I arrived in the splash pool at the bottom to realise my own bottom was completely nekkid. No bikini briefs anyyyyyywhere. I eventually looked up and spotted my multicoloured bikini briefs half way up this MAHOUSIVE slide (the slide was like 30m high). There was nothing else for it - I had to crawl up the slide - my very bare and very white bottom on display for all the world, the queue and the lifeguards to see. I DIED a thousand times as I slipped my way up the slide. Worst of all, I arrived at the site of the brief travesty! just as a lifeguard realised what the hell had happened and was in the process of bringing my briefs to me so yes, having finally slid up my bikini briefs, I then had to endure being front bottoms nekkid and having my briefs handed to me by a very tanned twenty something Spannish hottie, whilst then trying not to slip down the slide as I put them back on.

That day probably marked my introduction to vodka shot therapy! But as blood-curdling as that experience was - I've never been so thankful for the invention of bikini waxes as that day!

I couldn't find the snaps of that hol - halleluia for the days before digital when you could actually destroy embarrassing photographic evidence!! But here are some other more recent, but still idiotic, holiday snaps that make me giggle - not at all embarrassing!!

Yes we've just been asked to stick 'em up!

Gotta love a statue opportunity 

Proof that the beach just brings out the crazy in me!

Blogger Love :: Ashley @ The Shine Project

Day 5 SomL Blog Every Day in May Topic: Publicly profess your love for a blogger friend

Hands down I don't know where I'd be without my daily Ashley LeMieux fix - typically they pop in my inbox just before I head to bed. Heaven sent!

I can't remember how I bumped into Ashley's corner of the world 'The Shine Project' a couple of years ago - but this girl redefines selflessness and makes my heart expand everyday. Ashley's dedication to making a difference is mind blowing and she really does make a difference - be that:

• paying for someone groceries
• filling a jar with change and getting others to do the same
• handing out popicles on a hot day
• fundraising to send kids to college that wouldn't otherwise have this opportunity (this led to her company Threads - and employing these kids and supporting them through college - WOW) 
• and just recently fostering kids that are in a difficult situation.

Most of all - Ashley and her husband Mike are real - they make it ok not to {quite!} measure up to these crazy high standards - Ashley's the first to admit that she's not perfect and that life can feel tough. She doesn't preach, she just gets on with it, does her thing and looks oh so stylish {heart her ever creative hairdos} as she goes around her heartfelt biz.

Enrich your life and go say hello to Ashley and The Shine Project today - you won't regret it.

Short and sweet today - this 100km training malarky is tiring. me. out! xx

Favourite Quote

Day 4 - SomL Blog every day in May topic: Favourite Quote (from person or book) and why you love it

Post its and quotes are my daily staples - after chocolate and sleep of course! But choosing just one favourite quote was too hard so I didn't! The Hepburns always have it covered:

 

My favourite quotes are the ones that give me a mental SMACKDOWN! The ones that remind me my chance in the World is finite, that life is precious - mine and others. The ones that encourage me to love more, laugh more and that it's ok to jump off that cliff - be that people's expectations or my own. The ones to remind that it's ok to take chances - even bad ones, make mistakes or generally not have a clue and that the only LIFE SKILL you truly need is KINDNESS.

Wisdom is everywhere:

One of my all time favourite quotes from a book purely on the grounds that it's the only quote I've ever been able to remember unconsciously is:

'Having children is like having your heart walk around outside your body and right now mine is crossing the Alps - Eloisa James - Paris with Love'.

If you love quotes as much as me - there are heaps more on my pinspiration board.

Things that make me uncomfortable

Day 3 - Today's SomL Blog Every day in May Topic: Things that make me uncomfortable 

Conversations about the weather or how fast the weekend went/ how close the next weekend is - make my knees get very hot – an odd reaction to anxiety but that’s mine. I can happily speak up in large meetings, to strangers on the phone and I actually enjoy giving presentations to groups of people etc - but unscripted, directionless small talk with people I don't know  - aaaaaaarrgh - cue the weather update.

If you find me having a weather update conversations with anyone – typically, either I’ve been caught unawares and my mind was on something else completely and it’s playing catch up.  OR worse, I’m scrapping the bottom recesses of my brain for something – anything to say. Typically if I’m in this particular hellish predicament I most likely also have noooo idea who the individual is in relation to my professional or personal life and I’m frantically trying to remember if/how I should know them and some personal scrap of information about them - most critically their name, seniority or relationship status. So whilst 95% of my brain is engaged in silently defogging their identity and not making some critical booboo, the remaining 5%  of my brain - clearly the part that is left to make conversation, fancies itself a meteorologist – hence the weather chat.

I DIE!

Particular case in point that had me in 100 shades of discomfort recently: A couple of weeks ago, unbeknownst to me, a full-blown leaving do was being organised in the office space I sit in, for a colleague I’ve never met, by a team I really don’t know except to say hi to and ‘how do you change the printer cartridge again?’ We work in completely unrelated teams; my desk just so happens to be in a corner of their office. Anyways at 4pm on that Wednesday afternoon about 40 people – none of whom I know or even recognised – but who clearly all know each other very well suddenly walk into the office space with cake, gift bags etc and I’m in 100 shades of awkward – I’m invited to join the celebration but I really want to disappear into the floor. At the same time I didn’t want to make people feel bad by continuing to work but the prospect of being in a room of strangers celebrating a complete stranger and having to make small talk for an hour was too, too much. Not even the prospect of cake could dissipate the fear – so I fled. Fast. To an ‘impromptu meeting with my domicile’.

There’s nothing wrong with my ‘fight or flight’ neurone pathway!

Educate us on something you know a lot about

Day 2 - SomL Blog every day in May. Today's topic was 'educate us on something you know a lot about'.

When I spotted today’s topic my heart sank a little and my palms started to sweat a lot. Anything that revolves around in-depth general knowledge quickly results in a complete blank mind in my case. I wracked my brain for (no joke) about an hour for a topic that might interest other people – aka not the inner workings of Microsoft excel or email management!

Plus I wanted to share something fun and potentially useful…………*tumble weed* ……….. no pressure!

Eventually I had my topic: I’ve been flirting with the idea of doing regular video segments for a new project I have planned for later this year and in preparation I took a couple of classes on video production and producing videos for web.

Seriously I carted this relic about for 5 minutes before I nearly broke my shoulder!

I should add a little caveat that knowledge in something doesn’t necessarily translate into actual proficiency if you’re the couch activist type (me!!). But for anyone interested in making their own video segments – here are my fave 8 top tips that the experts swear by:

1.  Don’t get hung up on camera make and model – you can make brilliant videos on your iphone, ipad, computer – things you likely already own – so no need to spend big bucks instead, invest a few pennies in a great microphone. A video with great audio quality makes you seriously profesh right out the gate! Microphones I’ve seen recommended again and again include this or the yeti.  
2.  Lighting. Lighting. Lighting. The experts typically employ a three light system to achieve lighting perfection but if you’re shooting inside and have zero lighting equipment to hand - the fastest/simplest way to achieve the most amazing balanced lighting is to aim a spotlight at the ceiling – the reflection off the ceiling provides a balanced well lit ambiance. A white paper lantern lampshade also work a treat.
3. Short is sweet. People have really short attention spans (if you’ve made it this far then you are the minority!!) so the best videos are ideally 4-8 mins. Even TED talks are capped at 15 mins. And Vine (the newest Social Media platform on the block) just loops 8 second videos – can’t get much sweeter than that!  If you can’t get your message across in c.10 mins – get editing. Figure out what 1-3 key points you really want to get across and keep honing your message. It’s better to make a series of short videos that make one loooooooong video. Just saying. Plus DSL cameras are great for taking videos as the memory caps the video to around c.8 mins and if you’re filming in public – shooting with a DSL creates much less attention that someone pointing a video camera.
4. Think about your backdrop and your framing. Clean and simple works best and check there's nothing random creeping into the edges of your frame. Don’t forget to include your branding motif/name/url.
5. Interviewing someone or being interviewed for a video segment – remember to keep eye contact with your audience/camera and not just your interviewer/interviewee. There’s nothing more off-putting that when the person speaking doesn’t ever look at the audience –aka YOU! Plus AVOID swivel chairs at all costs - no-one can sit still on these things EVER!!
6. Hate watching yourself on camera – well you can still make brilliant videos using screenflow (which will show whatever is on your computer screen – be that a powerpoint or images. Screenflow is perfect for giving software tutorial on using e.g. photoshop) - or you can convert stills into a video – there are plenty of apps that will do this for you – then all that’s left is for you to sort the audio.
7. Why video is a great blogging tool - YouTube is the 3rd biggest search engine in the world after google and FB. Not having a presence here means you are potentially limiting your audience reach. Vimeo is another great video platform for hosting any videos but doesn’t have the same global following as YouTube.
8. Pace, rhythm and being yourself will MAKE your video. Just like speaking in public or giving a presentation - don’t talk too fast or drone in a monotone and just remember to have FUN! Practice makes perfect.

Over and out! 

Story of my Life in 250 words

Day 1 of SomL 'Blog every day in May' Challenge: Tell the story of your life in 250 words or less

This year marks my 30^th birthday – equal parts anxiety and horror! Born in France, the middle of three daughters to two Scots - mama lawyer and papa civil engineer. Raised in Essex, England & privately educated – cue one fairly studious, if slightly socially awkward, teen (the reminder of the sacrifices made to pay for my education made poor grades utterly unpalatable).

After school – clueless as to what I wanted to do – I headed to St Andrews University – mostly as no-one else I knew was going there or had gone there and it was a safe distance from home. Four years of studying Latin, Ancient Greek and Art History but utterly bored and disinterested after just two years – I scraped a 2.1 and left as clueless as I’d arrived.

Three graduate schemes later – a career in housing, local government and health management plus some dabbling in marketing for small businesses, I still feel lost. I dream of living in Paris, learning Italian, falling in love with life, not feeling so lost and starting my own business. Until my bank account agrees that giving up full-time steady employment is a viable option, I channel my life frustrations into getting fitter, completing races and blogging (cheaper than therapy!).

Four of my all-time favourite memories:

•  the rara skirt I was obsessed with as a little girl (not a hand-me-down) - see photo 2 above
•  learning to trampoline
•  work/holiday Summer in Cape Cod - aged 21. Bravest thing I've ever done. Life before FB!
•  the first 10km I ever ran – aged 27