My struggle feels omnipresent and eternal. There are days where just getting up and getting through yet another day, never mind churn out a blog post that doesn't smack hideously of victimitis, is a palpable battle. So please accept my apologies in advance for this post - but you did ask! (Day 20: SomL Blog every day in May Challenge - Get Real. Share something you're struggling with right now)
I feel ridiculous for struggling with the art of living - what right do I have to struggle - I have parents, siblings, a cute baby neice, a good education, somewhere to live, a pretty stable job and food to eat? But struggle I do - fivefold:
- I can't bear fighting to lose the weight again when the reality is I will always overeat until I sort the underlining problem. Getting a handle on the underlying problem feels like trying to grasp a whisp of smoke.
- I will never feel free until I figure out this internal churn out and just set myself 'free' from everything that is holding me back
- I will always be on my own until I can figure how to get a handle on the fear, embarrassment, introvertness that seems to paralysis my otherwise normal functioning brain when I find myself in social situations. The older I get the more my shortcomings are harder to hide. Being eternally single in your twenties is part of the drill. Being eternally single in your thirties.........
- I will always be directionless, clueless and lost until I can uncover a way to just be who I am - flaws and all and stop just absorbing my surroundings and what's required of me and reflecting this version of me back to the world. This person who shares my name but feels like a total fraud.
- I will always feel a tad flat emotionally until I can learn to cope with the hard emotions just not the fun ones. Until I stop protecting myself so completely from pain and discomfort.
Plus I never know where to start to fix all this:
- I tried losing the weight - and I lost 30lbs but in reality nothing changed - I was still awkward and lost and after 2 years literally working my ass off - I put all the weight back on in 3 months - and that's been me for the last 2 years. Totally stuck.
- I tried sorting out my career - I went part-time, I tried new part-time gigs. I volunteered. I completely changed industries, I took a sabbatical and did something totally different for a few months, I quit my job completely and unexpectedly. I've taken literally dozens of business courses and classes - I've explored creative avenues. Things work-wise have improved - but the reality is that most days are still more an exercise in looking busy for the duration of my contracted hours rather than feeling energised or particularly enthused about what I do. Externally I'm professional, efficient, take initiative as required and get things done - but it feels like 5% of what I'm actually capable of and 95% not right for me but 100% my reality until my debts are under control.
- I spent 4 months surrounding myself with the most joyful and sparkly people I know just to see what I could learn from them even just via osmosis. This is where my love of reading other people's blogs comes from - I'm fascinated with how other people nagivate their lives.
- I'm finally getting a handle on my overspending but every single day is a necessary struggle. Going 18 days not spending is tough - completing the 18 months before I'm debt free feels like a life-sentence right now. But of all my struggles, this is the one where I see light at the end of the tunnel: December 2014.
Currently, as hard as these struggles are - I'm thankfully, finally making some headway - more by mistake than design: Finally one of the courses I shouldn't have purchased but did in my quest to find some sort of lifeline - is turning out to be amazingly insightful. Bloody. But insightful.
It might be baby steps but I'm learning how to reconnect with who I actually am - even just as simply as what's my favourite colour. I am learning to tap into my intuition/unconscious brain/gut feeling/ inner child - whatever you call it. I'm being guided on a journey that has led me to some brilliantly insightful nuggets of genius.
In 20 minutes, the following unravelled so much of my struggle - why I overeat, why I overspend, why I don't allow myself to really let go and have fun, why I'm scared, why I ideolise and envy the people who are 'effortlessly sparky and radiant with joy - the individuals who take your breath away with their fabulousless' - you know who I mean!! Why I am what I am.
I've watched this about 7 times already - I've laughed hysterically and cried and I know I still have so much to learn and understand:
Here's to courage - telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. xx